Because I Fought Back, in 'Nam, Or Zombie Bookworms

She was 18 years old and too nonchalant for gossip, but she had news and she was dying to verify it. I could see it in the furtive, sidelong jerks of her head, and the cast of her eyes as she whispered with her friends. I thought, is she really talking about what I think she's talking about? Or am I imagining things?

None of my business, right? Class doesn't start for ten minutes; this is her time, not mine.

And then I got one of those text messages. You know the ones: "Hey, I heard.... Is it true?"

And, yes, actually, it was true. But as I sat there staring at the screen, thinking "How did she know?" I saw every one of my students in my mind's eye, just as nonchalant, but just as bursting with morbid curiosity as the next one.

I've taught close to 800 different students who still attend this school; that, Folks, is a substantial grapevine.

So I stood up in front of the class, and I started a conversation. It was the same conversation I started six more times that day--and it got easier every time. It morphed into a stand-up routine, only...  more macabre.

It went something like this:

Soooo.... Um. I have cancer. Like. Not--cancer, like I'm going to die tomorrow cancer, but cancer like, I'm probably going to be missing some school, and when I come back, part of my arm will be missing, and you'll either all want to know what happened, and I'll have to tell you, or, I won't tell you and there will be lots of rumors, so let's just name the beast, okay? 

Actually, you know what? The rumors will probably be more interesting, so let's make up our own. What other explanations might you come up with for a gaping hole in Mrs. Lybbert's arm?

Come on--they are high school kids; after the initial surprise, they thought it was pretty funny. They have been adding to the list on the board all week. Here are my favorite alternative explanations for my absence/pending arm deformity:

• run-in with a unicorn
• street-fight with a panda
• zombie bookworm
• encounter with a rabid student
• she's all about that life
• she fought back in 'Nam
• she graded too many essays and lost part of her soul
• light saber injury, she has; beat Darth Vader, she must

 So there you have it: the rest of the story. Or the start of a new one. 

Feel free to add  your own items to this list :)